The Yester, The Today & The Day After-Part I

The Yester

It was a lazy Sunday morning but anticipations were running high....a dream which took months together was entering the real world. Question was…..Will it be a shattered one or it will be the cradle of all new, unexplored, happy beginnings?

9 am four of us ran from our respective houses & went to the music store owner, woke him up &  said he has to open the store to let us know our Fate...My fate... that day, that morning I can never forget in my life. The life changing moment was here & I knew if this doesn’t go my way then there is nothing in the world that will ever be by my side.

And suddenly the sun was shining bright, birds were humming & I was struck with a deadly craving of jalebi & dhahi…God had smiled on me & I was all set to head south. The unknown, full of assumptions; in short a new & unexplored country for me.

And yet again I was hit hard in my stomach..the reality check….i was leaving people…my people… whom I grew up with…with whom I played many pranks & escaped unhurt. The era of domination was going to get over. I had to let go of my puppy love & promise like a war hero that “I will come back For you”.

The bags were packed, blessings were taken & I was accompanied with watery eyes, dhols, marigold garlands, samosas & few letters which were tightly sealed with futures dates on them. Felt like it’s going to be now or never. The train horn sounded as loud as it could & slowly the platform started falling behind…in few minutes i was standing all alone at the door wondering if this was what I wanted.

The journey was long; the life ahead & the journey to south itself.

Reached Delhi..felt at home still…familiar faces, familiar food items, abuses, attire everything was providing a comfort zone. Reluctantly I dragged my 20kilos bag with cheap wheel below it to the right platform & waited for my crowded air-conditioned compartment to arrive. Right in front of me I could see this family which was arguing about eating from the poori bhji thelawala in a foreign language. I inferred that they are arguing from my keen observation & analytical powers :-) (& now that I know the language I know I was right) anyways getting back to the family, the child was finally handed over a steel tiffin box which had idli’s in it…with some red power on it (Podi/Gun Powder). With my thoughts & observations, I wondered what on earth they were feeding the poor child "They must be really poor that they aren’t able to afford a curry to eat along with the idli ;) for that matter even buy him the poori bhaji costing Rs10" but looking at the amount of gold the mom was wearing I could do 2+2.

Anyway the train slowly pulled into the station & there it was… a 14-15 coacher train & I was looking for A-1 coach. Mother was accompanying me on the journey; she had the lower berth & I had the upper. I threw my bag under the berth & hopped on to my upper bunker to be in solitude with my letters!!

The first letter itself made me miss my city like hell but I told myself that I Will Be Back. The train journey lasted some 24hours with a variety of smells….few were very familiar & few I couldn’t even guess if it was excreted by some kinda eatable or human life form. My thoughts kept the pace with the super fast express train which takes close to 24 hours to reach my destination city.

Madras (now Cen-nai aka Chennai), it was around 1:30 in the morning when my super fast express train which took close to 24hours from Dilwali Dilli to Cen-nai percolated slowly beside the semi empty platform with some sleepy relatives of other passengers and the coolies. It was dark, humid & than suddenly I saw a smiling, familiar face!! My brother!! I said WooHoo!! Finally I am with my brother after 18 years of separation & finally I am away from my autocratic parents who until then even decided which restroom I should use.

We somehow managed to get out of the train in 20mins post halting of the train on the platform. People were acting crazy!! They wanted to just burst out of the train & straight land in their respective houses!! Weirdoes!! First they want to enter the train as if we will eat up their seats & then on reaching the destination these guys want to run out as if their ass’s have got blisters! So getting back to the bag with the lousy wheel, I realized that my bag has a lousy handle as well which just snapped when I showed my frustration in towing the bag out of the compartment! Now I had to decide on how to drag the 20kg bag out of the station. 2 choices- Pay 150rs to coolie or struggle my way through for next 20minz . I choose the second option with the help of my brother.

Brother was in Cen-nai for 3 years now, did his MBA (still the “IN” thing amongst the youth) and was working for a telecom company, doing his bit of developing India by selling sim cards. He decided to take care of me (Which I Appreciate Till Date) & gave an offer if I achieve above 70% in my 12 grade I will be eligible for Cen-nai colleges to which I couldn’t say no!

We had dragged our share of 20kilos in turns & finally reached the taxi. We were taken from Marina beach & it felt as if I was in Florida & driving next to the scenic beauty of its beaches!! Only later experiences made me realize how uncommon Florida & Marina are. Finally we reached our home sweet home which was going to be my home for next 2 years. The entrance was small and dark…but we managed & climbed the staircase with my bag which had a lousy wheel base & apparently the handle was lousy as well & suddenly “thudddd”... I swore all possible hindi’s slangs post bumming my head on the low ceiling of the staircase. Finally I managed to get inside the single bedroom house with a long drawing room attached with an Indian style toilet that was strategically placed in the balcony facing the busy road. That was our home.

The journey continues….

Why?

Why did the Chicken cross the road?? Why Achilles went to the battle even though his mom told him he will die? Why is earth round? Why is it that we alwayz want others to do what we want? Why??

Why can be referred to a Reason or even for a Causality...that’s what wiki told me when i asked WHY? My logic is "Why" is only to raise a doubt on someone or something. Few people have habit of asking Why for good reasons & few...just wanna mess around with you.

I have a close friend whose Whys never fail to amuse me & sometime am speechless with his Why's :) but i still love him. I guess we are too familiar with this Why; Right from the time we ask something from our parents in childhood may be until our old age.... This is one word which can change your face color, your body posture if you know what i mean :)

I have noticed the word Why can mean allot with just a little tweak in the Tone. Well that’s with most of the words but this one has a special place in my life. I have answered Why so many times that I wonder if Why is synonyms for every word I know in dictionary ;) there are many difficult questions which start with Why but don't have any end...what i mean is the questions don't have any answers....until now at least. Few of the most commonly raised doubts are (am referring Doubt synonym of Why) Why did you do this? Why are you like this? Why aren't you responding to me? or my favorite- "Why?Why?Why?" those are not only 3 Whys' but makes lot of emotional impact on others provided you are sensitive enough to acknowledge emotions.

With the word Why, we don't realize that we take up the personal space of an individual subconsciously (if you think bout it). I feel like that from the point of view of if someone has done something which one doesn't appreciate he/she will have their own reason to do the action. Of course the flip side of the same is this can be related to two people in relation & has the full right to question...but honey...there is a very thin line which one has to realize. I think the problem arises when we get more concerned bout our feelins & that is when we want to probe more & get the answers & try to fix it immediately.

I checked with many people....a synonym to Why is also considered as Irritation. The word causes the same affect in many i know....Irritation. Well if we are the victim to it...sometime we are the same people who make others victim too with our Whys'. we cannot let go of that word but am sure we can reduce it....I have....am sure few will agree with me on this.... it’s not easy.....it took me years to learn to reduce usage of this word.

It’s not rocket science but it's the everyday science which we over look & mangle things.....what am trying to say is...maybe you don't realize it....may be you don't want it.....but your Why's can make someone feel miserable...feel like one is a slave of somebody else's thought....make one feel that he/she has lost the freedom of thought or action...No one likes to get questioned...we know that too well...so how hard can it be that we realize that we shouldn't push our luck with others cause it's a known fact Luck can run out anytime.

I get up and out of bed,
Try to forget all those things we said.
It's now over for good,
I promised myself to leave it right there here I stood.

People always tell me things will get better,
But I find myself writing you half a letter.
How did we fall so far apart,
You left me not knowing where to start.

I am here now trying to find out how to survive,
And struggling to just keep myself alive.
I remember when you were a hero in my eyes,
You were always there to give me a surprize.

But those are just long lost memories of mine,
Maybe this is our life design.
I spent so many days cold and lonely,
I believed that you were my one and only.

There are some things in my head I'll take to my grave,
But it won't be all that love that I gave.
You made me so emotionless,
And you gave me all this stupid stress.

I try to believe in things I can't see,
But is there even hope for me!
My back is up against a wall,
And it's hard for me to keep standing tall.

Life just isn't worth it anymore,
You left me standing at the door.
You said it's time to say goodbye,
And I just wondered... why?

I Want

Alexander wanted to conquer the world, Caesar wanted Cleopatra and Brutus wanted Rome, Wright brothers wanted to be the pioneers in aviation, Nelson Mandela wanted the colorful nation to be as peaceful as heaven itself…… these and many more famous people with their larger than life wants (at least for the commoners!) lived and will be livening in our world…. And then there are “We”…. With our monotonous, somehow eventful life where every day is same old story but with a twist of dreams, commitments, troubles, affairs and a small or may be big (mine a big one!) list of Wants.

Economics defines it (wants) something which we Desire. Desire which in philosophy has been identified as a philosophical problem! So I think I can say Problems=Desire=Wants so Wants=Problems. The problems we have in our lives with our partners, with our bosses, with autowala’s, with income tax…all problems lead to somebody’s want. I am sure by now you would have guessed where am leading to & where am coming from.

Everyone has wish list of wants and the list is endless! I wanted a Fossil which was replaced by a powerful street bike and then moved on to a soap box look alike Car to gamers gadgets like Xbox & PSP to having a 17 year old desire to own a high end G-Shock and now from the forests of Amazon a small Kindle.

These wants can be worldly (Christians refer worldly to devil & temptation!!), psychological, personal, general, human, inhuman and many more. It can be anything…and anything can be changed to a want. One never knows when a need becomes want & a want will be a need. I strongly believe that I “want” to attach a prefix for want to give it another definition. “Acquired want”, this has developed with globalization I think. We see people what they have, how they behave, where all they go and party, relax, kill time or make use of their time; whatever! When we find these so called rich/famous/hero/awesome people we want to be like them, so we start imitating their wants in our list of wants… I have done it and am sure you would have done it too!! Now this has affected our individuality and our way of thinking.

We tend to force our wants on ourselves first and then the person who is closest to us. This may be subconsciously or deliberate; which we have to understand as to what we are doing to others. I have seen this behavior with my own and people I know and somehow I feel this is inevitable. At the same time I wonder how come I master the art of not imposing or have I?? Frankly I don’t, I have seen myself imposing my values on others…may be my value are more chilled than others *(I will tell you later why I think like that). Usually everyone believe that they are right in what they are thinking and that is when we fail to realize that we saying NO to change, we are saying NO to a thought which might-might not change your way of seeing the life or the world. We have made ourselves tuned to thinking that if another individual is differing from the thought than that person is trying to either suppress me or he/she is oblivious of my thoughts.

I am here taking liberty to use thoughts=wants as wants are first born as thoughts.

Anyways, I have learned in this life till now that wants are always imposed by others and nothing more to it. My mom wanted me to be a Doctor and my father a CA even though he always knew 2+2=69 for me and look at me today…ended up in putting myself on sale to the corporate world!! And for my parents I didn’t care what they wanted as per them because I kept my wants first. The strangest part this want plays in our relations is when you begin a relation, the wants look very genuine but then as the time passes we tend to feel the heat. We start to love a person with what he/she is but in the due course of time our mind and heart takes over and commands us with satisfying our wants and very strangely we super impose them on the people whom we love the most, whom we don’t want to lose ever. They are ready to change the person who matter the most to them just to make their mind at ease! In the urge of fulfilling these wants we castrate others thoughts, heart which ultimately costs them that person someday. How difficult can it get to understand the fact that never push too much that the person dies in the process?? Whenever I had an encounter of such nature first thing I can remember is how my ancestors would have felt when Brits tried everything possible in their control to impose their wants on Indians….. And what happened ultimately?? They paid the price. Ultimately…after around more than 100 years of battle but it did take place. So I say it always snaps but just a matter of time.

Time to play Promoter of Faith (Devil’s Advocate), I also agree with letting your thoughts go public. Let the person know what you think. Sometimes it’s good to let others know what you think, this might help in betterment of the communication between two. If you know what you want, it makes easy to have a decision. Isn’t it? I love that feeling. However hard the decision may be, if I am clear with my wants or thoughts, I will be able to stick to my decision till the end *(My wants qualify here).

To justify your wants on the grounds of “if they are right or wrong”; we need to learn the art of understanding the problem, coming out of the problem and realizing who/what is causing it?, searching for the right solution. *(My wants qualify here) One should be able to analysis from third parties point of view; which is the most important part while judging your want but Do we actually do that exercise? I don’t think so. Like I said earlier, we fundamentally believe what we think or want is right and the rest are just trying to take advantage of me.

It’s difficult to let go of wants but if a want makes you let go of the person you love the most than what’s the point of having such a want which ensures that you are stranded alone on a island?!

Keep wanting!

Battles- In Random

We all share our degraded, upgraded, lousy, crazy, sad, happy, guilt full, whatever emotion or adjective you want to attach to your life with one common word called "Battle". It starts right from who will win the race to fertilize an egg to how fast i can eat my original recipe KFC leg piece & run back to my monotonous professional life in an office cubicle shared by 2 semi-racist, nut cases who fight with each other like newly wedded couple who are discovering, who dominates the relation!...Battle!!

I feel its never ending. We just pretend that life is all set & there is nothing to worry about than suddenly BooM!!!! something happens which makes your heart beat faster, adrenalin rushes, could be something which will make you worry or make you feel you sitting on a hot seat, eagerness of knowing what will your appraisal letter carry or sometime even happiness makes you battle with your own tears!!! Battle....could be for you....with you...cause of you...or just against you

Never thought I will be linking everything to such a negative word; but before I go on with my version of Battles, I have a questions...who labels words as negative or positive?? I just now mentioned that battle has positive and negative effect, so why label it as negative word?? Why to label at all?

Anyways....lets not drift away....I never believed that life can be easy but when you keep fighting for every goddamn thing you need or want...than you need some kind of analysis done...may be on yourself or on life or may be on your existence itself!! May be on your own....may be from someone else.. I always choose the second option, seemed much easier & convenient.... slowly I realised...the answers I received from someone else...those were someone Else's point of view.....so were does my understanding of My Life stands?? So I changed, I made myself as Field Marshall and decided to take matters in my hands....

Things looked pretty good...for a while....yet again...I was woken up to a rude shock that I Am In A Never Ending BATTLE!! Why did Murphy's Law got famous? Cause people realised there can/will be always some kinda trouble in God's Paradise. Shook by the reality I tried coping up with what was left with me. God has given us a great power...Adaptability. Whatever happens, however futile it may be...We, humans walk the dark soil again just with a hope of growing greens for living. That's what I did/do ....every freaking time. Hey am not complaining that we have to go through SSD(hope you know this syndrome!) but what am saying is how many times we can handle ourselves to recoup & get on with our lives.

I am sure few will be thinking by now...too many "I's" and "Me's". Well, "I" am writing this blog....with an effort to understand & identify how can the damage from this Battle which we keep getting into be reduced,,, so I will be quoting allot about "me" and "I" and in few instances you too. So, just hang on with me.

Did you just realised, I explained why am I talking about myself so much. Giving you a classic example of trying to win a Battle of your confidence to read my blog. Funny isn't it???? We don't even realise that we can be such good soldiers in Battle fields. Well it's just a matter of your brain and your body getting trained to the whole exercise. That's why we have all these military training academies don't we?

The other worrying fact in this Battles in Life is ..Who wins it?? How do you know who's the winner?? When one looks/feels right & you go ahead and raise it as winner... later you realise that it was a wrong decision, how do you undo? The decision has caused a ripple effect on everything and trust me when I say everything cause I have personally witnessed these effects. (For records, they are very scary!) How? Well, we wake up again & again try to grow some greens around for good living but please remember we still don't know the right answers.. we just choose to walk away from it, try to forget the whole episode....however you want to put it across....ultimately..... we just ignore and move on.

I/We have lost allot in these Battles, have also won allot in these Battles but somehow I feel..... We loose our Identity in this journey, in this series of Battles but like Robert Frost has rightly said-

THE WOODS ARE LOVELY, DARK AND DEEP,

BUT I HAVE PROMISES TO KEEP,

AND MILES BEFORE I SLEEP,

AND MILES BEFORE I SLEEP.